Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
