Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
