so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
