I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
