guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
