So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
