At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I would ride that face into the sunset
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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