We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
