I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
