she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Found your dick twin last night
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
