Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
