The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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