Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
