Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
