Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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