Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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