I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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