I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I need to stop coming to work sober
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
