I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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