Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
