Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
