You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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