The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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