Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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