Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
