I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
