it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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