Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
