two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize