I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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