Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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