So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
