i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you would pick up someone in the library
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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