My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
