her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
