so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize