so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize