the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
