Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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