god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
