You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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