it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
