Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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