and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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