I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
