thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
