Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
