So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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