Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
