I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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