ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
