I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
