I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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